Golf Addict

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.

"What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.

"I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win."

His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, I'm a hooker."
"No problem," said her husband, "Just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up."

A Day Out With Dad

'Be Very Quiet' said the father to his son. Father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said: 'Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field.' A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son...

'What's wrong?' The father asked. 'I told you to be quiet.' The boy,
bless his heart, answered; 'Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered
across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I
didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' 'Well, I guess I just panicked'

Number 2 *snigger*

Mum's current husband went on holiday with his nephew to Tenerife. After sampling some of the possibly out of date shell fish, they both developed the urge to evacuate at irregular intervals. They were caught by surprise at one point and made a dash for McDonalds, they burst into the stalls at which point a lot of noise was heard by my step dad followed by the nephew saying.

"Hey Vern, some dirty bastards shit up the wall."

Last one from my Aunt:

She was in some foriegn country either in Asia or Africa, I forget which, and she developed banji belly (apologies for spelling). In her hotel room she suddenly got the urge to splurge, so went to the toilet. As she bent down to remove her knickers she suddenly let rip and, as she described it, pebble dashed the wall and toilet. The worst part is instead of trying to clean it up herself, she phoned down to reception for them to send a cleaner up.